Cheebers

Cheebers, a new company has just been launched into the human world. They sell all kinds of cheeby products, for the PERFECT cheebs. Like, Sploosh, the perfect thing to put in yo hair, to make it compLETELY bald!! AND! To make your stomach CHURN!

Olives’ Price Goes Down 3 Cents

This year’s olive crop went really good. So good as a matter of fact, that supermarkets have been forced to lessen the price in order to be able to sell all the olives.

Hearing the news, Mr. Tritly’s Entire Family fell into a fit of sobs.

”We-we u-used to s-save 1 WHOLE dollar by not p-purchasing olives,” wailed a grief-stricken Mr. Tritly. “Now, now.. uhh now! W-we only save 97 c-cents!”

Mr. Paloochie: Kidnapped!

Mr. Paloochie, our fellow townsman has been kidnapped! His kidnappers are demanding one million Japanese yen, or else he will be put to death.

”Its all good,” exclaimed his wife. “We didn’t want him anyway. Good riddance to bad trash!”

His children, however, were facing a different dilemma.

“He-he is OUR fatha!!!” they said sadly. “Momma wont even help us collect the yen! Now whom do we asl for help?”

Mr. Paloochie’s neighbors readily agreed to help. Mr. Paloochie was very popular among the townspeople.

The kidnapper’s letter can be read here: Letter

40 Car Accident on Zillion Street

It started when Miss Petunia Flowers stared out of her car shocked to see a million of cars n the wrong side of the road. “I was horrified!! AND they was all coming straight at mee!! I was gonta DIES when I decided I’d crash at them before theyd crash at me! I did that,” said a badly bruised up Miss Flowers.

The rest of the cars, just crashed into each other and on.. 5 and a half people died. The other half was badly injured.

Humans Sent To Obedience

Like dogs, humans are unfortunatly, not behaving. Say it isn't so!! Farmers have sent their personal humans to Obedience school. Of course, THAT is totally inhumane, but without the simple solution, diary products cannot be produced, along with the rarity of the cows. Of course, I'm the only person that says no to this. The other people are barbarians. I am but a lousy reporter, so does my opinion count? NO! Even the farmers' personal humans like this. BUT ITS BARBARIC I TELL YA! BARBARIC! I meana, making them be treated like DOGS? ANIMAHLS? Who do you think we are? BARBARIANS?

You can never make it grow...

More child sadness. Jamie Thumpy has been waiting patiently and IMpatiently for her plant to grow. Now, she's perfectly tired, and so are her dreams of being a famoooose gardener. Now she plans on becoming a farmer, against her parents wishes. "I care for what they think, but I'm totally kewl on this one darling." she says. "I plan on going out to see the REAL world. Ya know? Expand mah mind? Expand the days of my life! I wanna see! I WANNA SEE!! I wanna become something more than anything I can be! I wanna see the world! Explore the lands! Go on safaris! Hey, I'm free. SO, why not make use of my 'free' life? Hmm? Good Idea? I THOUGHT SO!".

She, is certainly an ambitious girl. I like that. WE NEED MORE PEOPLE LIKE HER!! (S'all good great umm?)

GUNS SHOULD FOREVER BE PROHIBITED! (SEE WHAT HAPPENS?)

A child in her mid fives, lost her bestest ever friend. She is trying- oh what the heck! Why don't we just let her tell her story all by herself? I'm sure she will be the perfect person to! (Other then the fact that I luv how children die- i mean talk) Samantha?

"Dadia sat on my camel, and I sat on her horse. Then we started fighting, and we ended up digging a hole to china and we met Kung Fu Kaa. He told us how to Kung Fu. Then when we went back to the hole, we found it was gone. So we became chinney until our parents rescued us. After our parents rescued us, we found out we had a rare gun disease. my parents told me and Dadia never to use guns again. Me and Dadia got really hungry. We went outside one night, and in my blindness for my hunger for my gun, I accidently killed her. I wept until I went back to the future. I went to visit her grave this afternoon, and I vowed never to use my gun again."

"I-I- shot a few times at the grave, to quench my hunger. Then, I threw it away, where it landed on an old dear reading to her grandma, and it shot a muscle man, who was lifting pistachios on his nose. He looked at me and said- "The phrase Samantha is not average. Its wonderful. The thought that counts". I didn't understand what he said. He was dieing anywyays. Then, I looked to the sky for some signs. Lightning flashed, so I knew that my time had come. I jumped back into the Future. And then, I died when Dadia's spirit took over my body. I didn't care. I was dead before."

*shuffles a stack of papers, looking confused* O-okay! So there you have it! The exact reason why guns are forever prohibited. ;)!

Mr. Paloochie Is Found to be Lost

Mr. Paloochie is lost! Searchers searched the whole town but found no trace of him. “Maybe he just simply wandered away,” suggested his wife cheerfully, “He does it all the time! Well, whatever it is, I don’t care. He was a big pain anyways.”

We are trying our hardest to find him. He was very very important in our news, etc.

”I’m GONNA cry,” announced Mr. Loooskia leaving to his room to start.

”Where has my dear father GONE? YOU DUNNO WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL ITS GONE! I won’t rest until he’s home! We dun wanna grow up, all alone!” sang Mr. Paloochie’s children copying their best friend Adam when his little sister was lost.

Try your hardest to condole his grief-stricken wife and family.

Camp Lousia Plantiya – Drowned!

Yes, our mountain side friend Camp Lousia Plantiya drowned peacefully yesterday.

”It was sooooo ssaaddd like oMG OMG OMG OMGG!!!” yelled Mr. Paloochie tearfully, “I was like shedding tearz for two whole dayz. Yea and nightz OF COURSE NO DUH!!!!!”

Yeah, Camp was one of the coolest soldiers ever.

”OMG! HE WAS MY BESTEST FRIEND IN THE EARTH!” sobbed Samantha Jones gleefully, “Poor kidd didn’t kno how to swim.. shoulda taught him. My bad.”

So no more ucky blucky mud soups!

Sparring.. Useless Arguments.
Sparring (Stupid Pointless ARguments) are getting quite common throughout Noozville.

“Me and my wittle broddy were like fighting for TWO WHOLE HOURS in DA NIGHT!!” exclaimed Samantha Jones merrily.

Most citizens claim that it’s the funnest thing ta do!! Says Mr. Trittly eagerly, “I was like playin with my motha and then the electricity went away! LIKE OMG OMG!!! and so my brotha came and put on a candle.. And so my motha said, LORD LORD!! ITS GETIN REAAL HOT HERE, SONNY!! ON THE FANNNNN!! And I was like OMG! MOMA YOUR SOO STUPID!! How cud u be so super dum?? HE FAN WILL BLOW OFF THE CANDLE!!! WE WERE like ARGuING WETHER WE ShOULD OR NOT on the FOR HOURZ!! I WAS SAyin light is betta but momma was saying fan was!”

Yes, sparring has become a new hobby for all. Why, even grandpappy’s and granny’s enjoy it so much!!

”We were sparring about owah late aunt and her friend’s death,” said Ms. Looskia, “she drownded in a boat sink ya kno.. her friend made a huge hole in it.. nd poppa was saying she was soo super duM and she shud’ve made anotha hole so da watah wud go right out!.. WE WERE LIKE OMG!! IF SHE DID THENn she’d BE ALIVE! LIKE OMG OMG!!! bad lady, we guesses”

Oh well, we wonder when the people here will find their brains.

“I WAS LOOKING WHOLE MORNING!!” bellowed Rally angrishly, “DON’T YA DARE SAY I LOST IT PURPOSEFULLY! LIKE OMG YOU LIEEEE!!”

Great!! Sad or what?

Sad Dayz...

Today is the first day in the sad dayz space time continueum. In the Sad Days Space Time Continueum, many many sad things happen. Unfortunate events. A whole SERIES of unfortunate events. Murders, robberers, kidnappers, killers, widowers, runawayers....

IN which case the noozley will be filled with sad things. So, be happy and save yourself from a lot of wearisome woe, and not read it, provided you are not one of the reporters. You see, a lot of things aready happened.. but they're for us to know.. and you to find out.. GOOD LUCK!

Crazy Family??

"Mah family's going crazy! c-r-a-z-y!!" announced the Looskia's youngest daughter.

When asked why they were going crazy she replied: "I was chatting to my friend and then all of a sudden my brother comez and starts typing absolute junk. he thought HE was chatting!! LIKE OMG! and so i telled him to stop ya knowz.. and he refused! like AH!! so i started yelling and he all yells at me asking, 'CH00 YELLING FORR?' And then he grabbed me from the neck, and started choking me until my veins popped out! (his were already sky high) And, I had to be rushed to the hospital, but they didnt care, and my veins.. oh my veins..."

"ahhhhhhhh not weird att alllllll!" decidede Mr. Trittly angrily, "You wasted my day. Families are to be appreciated. Like Omigod!!"

"Noo!!" replies the Loooskia girl, "Like he suddenly got the dfhsdihfihsdf fever!!"

Yes, the Trittly family forever will be known as loving. Thanks!

Talking to Inanimate Objects

Reporters have *just* discovered that Mr. Trittly talks to INANIMATE THINGS!!! Yes, lets repeat: INANIMATE OBJECTS!!

"ITS lIKE OH MY LORDY LORD OH LORD!! I'M GONNA WAANNNAA be *just* LIKE HIM!! AWESOMEEEE!! OMG! OMG!!!" cheered Miss. Sprinzdeel from inside her grave.

Yeah, this discovery is like *really* aesome..! "To me its reaaaall easy," said Mr. Trittly blushing slightly, "All you have to do is practice!"

"HOW HOW HOW?? OMG!! OMG!! I'm gonna die if you don't tell me *this* seconD!! OMG!!" yelled Ms. Looskia's son. Mr. Trittly refuses to tell anyone his lively secret. "It'll just RUIN it! Ruin-Ruin!! O MY GOD SAAAD!!" he announced.

Everyone is suggested to *attack* him with questions about it so he finally decides to tell.

Mr. Mittly -- Nice?
Mr. Mittly just announced that he LOVES being nicE!! "Its soo fun and excite! PURE enjoYAbLE!!" he exclaimed.

Currently the nice things he has done are:
Visting Ms. Sprinzdeel's grave.
Giving a lick of his lolipop to his son.
Gicing his legs a feet a rest and walking with shoes on.
Sleeping on the floor so he doesn't hurt his poor bed.

"I'm currentlY WORKING HARD HARD HARD on it!!" he stated, "It'll take time but i think SOON eNuFf i'm GOnNA start looking without my eyes, feeling without my hands, etc!"

His announcement(s) brought a huge uproar to the crowded streets.

"WHYYZZZZ! SUCH AN AWESOME COOLLLLIOO THING! OMG OMG!!" exclaimed Mr. Palooocha happily. But still some people are getting rather *mad* at this stuff. "WHAT YOU do THIS FOR? OMG! CALL THE POLICE!! HE BE BAAAAAD BOY!!" declared Ms. Looskia angrishly.

People are still investigating in wether these acts are good or not..!

And Another Mystery Uncovered: The Value of n!

Math books for centuries have pestered students into trying to figure out the value of the ever-changing n. It finally has been discovered! This discover (like all discovery’s in this town) brought about great celebrations from people from all corners.

“I was doin my mathZ homework when mommy tolded me dat I didntd even hafta do its anymohe!!!” eggzclaimed chubby Joon Loooskia. “it was because she said the mystery was solved!! NO MORE ALGEBRA!! YAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOO!”

Mrs Loooskia was beaming happily. She said she loved riddles but this one had been too hard for her to answer and she earnestly had wished that the answer be discovered in her lifetime. “My wish iz troooo!!” she exclaimed.

The Mayor meanwhile, announced math holidays on Mondays.

Reporter Samreen: Freed at Last!

May we announce the great news: Samreen is free!!

“She was arrested by mistake, much apologies,” said Police Chief, Mr. Pwelees Chee lowering his head.

Pro-Samreens roared with delight, gathering all around her. Parties were to be held all over the town. Anti-Samreen’s joined the celebration as everyone in the town loves to celebrate, no matter what the reason.

Samreen was extremely happy to be free again. “Its great to know that I could get back to my writing,” she said.

The Affending Noozley, this newspaper (and also the newspaper that Samreen works for) announced free subscription to everyone for-ever. Doi (cuz it was already free from before..)

RioTS!!

Reporter Samreen’s recent arrest has brought so many riots especially in the town square. About thirteen people sacrificed their shoes (threw them at the opponents) for her and 17 people actually gained a trip to hospital because of being trampled on, etc.

“JAIL IS NOOO PLACE FOR A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD!!!” Loooskia shouts. Most of Samreen’s supporters, support her only because of her small age or her coolness in speech, clothing, and firmness.

“YES OMG! IT IS FOR A THIREEn year old who told little kiddies to disobey their parents!!” The Entire Titlly family cried. They also swore that they would kill their own granny, mother, father or ANYONE if they told them to disobey their mops and pops!!! “Even brop.“ stated Mr. and Ms. Kusheez

Still others have different views of this recent event. This news was specially hard hit because she was one of the three only reporters in town.

“She’s gone to jail so she’s gone! Forget the past dumbboz. Lets look forward to the clean & rainy future!! SHEESH!” argues Mr. Paloochie.

”Whats the big deal?” slept Miss. Sprindeel, “I sleep a lot too!! I don’t understand this one teensy bit”

Some people in this town are wacko, we guesses.

Freedom of Speech?

Tuesday morning, Samreen supporters and anti-Samreens gathered in Miss Iss Sippi Park to support their causes. The Samreen supporters were mainly kids who hated liver, as well as liked her. The anti-Samreens were angry parents.

Exclaimed Miss Tera Roast Chiken, 12, "Her arrest is unhumane! Freedom of the press is an inalienable right! And this was takenz awayz fromz herz! UNFAIRRRRRRRR!!!"

Mizzus Pees Fried Chiken, Tera Roast's mom disagreed. "Sure there is freedom of speech, but theres also a limit to everything! If da press tellz ya to be disobedient to your momma dear and poppa, you cant just sit and watch!" she waaaailed.

Mr. Loooskia argued saying "Listening to the parents is an obligation for *ALL* children, but! as you said there's a limit to EVERYTHING! If they tell you to do something self-harming, you disobey! Look livers kill!"

"Samreen Rules!" cheered Marianna Jones (the strange named kid in town). "Samreen Rules at Hotmail Dot Com!!"

Yes, she still can be reached at that address.

Reporter Very Bad

Samreen has been convicted of leading children into refusing their parents. She is currently in prison right now, getting what she deserves (tiny electric shocks every now and then), but the St. Mundanies Prison for Extremely Inexcusably Bad Reporters has a mob building up by the minute, demanding to see her (not to mention kill her). "I LUV LIVER!! HOW DARE SHE! AND I MUST POISON MY CHILDREN!! HOW DARE SHE!!" says Miss. Dali Da Dali Dalali. "LIVER RULES! LIVER RULES! SAMMY SOSA STINKS! SAMMY SOSA IS GROSS! LIV-ER RULES! LIV-ER RULES!!" and she goes on chanting with the rest of the mob.

Stayed tuned until later news. The Noozley will be shut down till then, as this is their first incident of a reporter gone mad, and its very disturbing. Hopefully, be back up in time for holiday madness.

Life, Lives, and... LIVER?

Haven't you always complaind about liver? Liver, the most disgusting, gross, ughish thing in the world to eat? But you're parents always made you. Well guess what? NOW YOU DON"T HAVE TO! Because of so many lives being killed by liver, the king/master of the whole world (as he calls himself) has insured a new law that states very clearly:

TIS NOT A RIGHT TO BE KILLED BY LIVER!

So... when you're parents tell you to eat your liver say:

NO! NO!! NO!! I REFUSEI REFUSE TO EAT THE DISGUSTING UGHISH THING!! I REFUSE GOT IT!! YAAAAAAAAAAAHAH!!

Thank You.

Whitehouse Plot

President Whitehouse of Samantha Jones Company is now a target of a bloody cold hearted murderer. He is being moved to the "cal state fullerton school for extremely famouse targeted cold blooded murderers" (CSFSFEFTCBM), to find out the murderer that is bent on killing him. Being an old man with the worth of a dead carrot, the Prez is not really welly gaurded, and his death is predicted to be very soon, like less than 2 days, as so many mad men are so common these days.

The Prez's friends are not really worried about them, being the Eskimos they are. Eskimos, as you know, don't care about anyone else, nontheless, themselves. So, it seems that the Prez hasn't got anyone on his side, so I think he might as well die, anyways. But, he seems determined to live his life. Well, he hasn't gotten any further on finding who the cold blooded murderer, and stuff.

So Much Has Changed...

Jhon McJon had been anxiously been waiting for the time he becomes a grown up. Today, was his birthday, and now, at the age of 24, Jhon McJon has found a mistake in his dream. HE HAS TURNED INTO A GIRL!! "Not literally, only emotionally." says one of McJon's doctors. "We think its a problem with his heart. He's dying. He's gonna come back... as a she." McJon's terrified.

"I don't know what to do!" Says McJon. "Last night, I put on my mother's make up, and arrived at the Night Club with my friends. As soon as they got a good look at me, they started to crack up. One even died. I remember the cracks on his head that were leaking brain juice."

"He had to be rushed to the hospital, but didn't survive. It was gross. But, not his brain juice though. One drop fell into my empty water glass, and without thinking, I drank it. It tasted pretty nice, except for the fact that I'm getting dummer.... and acting more like a monkey."

"There isn't any hope for me, *shrugs* and fortunatly, I don't think I care. I mean, look at the bright side, I still get to live!"

McJon is shunned from all of his fellow maniac stars. "We just don't want to hang around girls, ya know, ya know?" Says Joe Joe Do Do. "Yeah, it's totally impossible.. *shakes head* Girls.... UGH!" Says StarryBrite Maguday (boy).

Doctors are currently gonna research all they can before McJon's death. "He's like a son to us" Says HittyMitty APD.

The Bloody Bombarians Announce Two More Changes to Their Internal Policy

They say they want to bring peace to the village. They say that now they will only eat four healthy villagers in a week.

Diana Blut, well-known BB leader announced this change with the following words: "We want all Magarqians to know that we do not intend any harm to them. Only to their friends. And for this we will not eat their friends. And we will limit that to four a week. We hope this change will make you more happier"

Four Plus Four Has Changed

Four Plus Four = 4+4, who says, and how could it be equal to 8??! Mr. Ting A Ling discovered this exciting thing four minutes after Mr. Sing A Song claimed that 6 times 6 was six(six).

Miss Zomble Burgerz jumped for joy when she heard this. "Itz soo cooooooool!! Math is easier. I never learned the number ate anywayz!! ME GONTA GET A 0% ON NEXT MATHS TEST!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"

Tooble Tumble was happier. He said thats excatly what he had tried to explain to his teacher before. "Now she would knows!" he explained.

Two plus Two is equal to 2+2, also.

Dear Miss Affending
Question 1

Dear Miss Affending,

OH GOD!! MY SON HAS BEEN STOLEN FOR OUR FAMILY FORTUNE- EMRALDS!!! Oh god help me pleee...!! please oh please!! Of course we love our emralds more than him, but.... OF COURSE YOU Being THE FAMOUSE MISS AFFENDING , will help us in a way no one could ever imagine You just HAVE to help us! (no reward of course, but still, its our (the richest family in the world, Mytilly,) SON! the most beuatiful boy in the world) Plzz..!

Yours,
The Entire Mytilly Family

Answer 1
Dear the Entire Mytilly Family,

Your son was stolen..? And are your emeralds gonna be kidnapped? Yeaaaaa.

-Yours,
Miss Affending

.·´`•..·´`•.·´`•..·´`•.·´`•..·´`•.·´`•..·´`•.·´`•

Question 2
Dear Miss. Affending,

My little daughter ran away last Monday, and I don't know what to do. Living in a jungle is hard, especially if your daughter is... well... a civillian. You see... there was a fight last Sunday... Most of our houses... burned... my daughter's baby... dead... She's most likely... gonna... kill herself! YOU've GOT to help me! Please o please!

Yours,
Miss. Paloochie!

Answer 2
Dear Miss. Paloochie!

You have a daughter and you are a MISS? Cool and strange.

-Yours,
Miss. Affending

Rally Held in Central Park

After ages of trying, four young persons finally were able to carry out the hardest feat: Rally, the heaviest man on earth, was lifted up. Miss Zookie Tampi, Mr. Rain Goaway, Mr. Itssno Wiing, and Mr. Saart Crytoa, were the four lucky people.

Stated Miss Zookie after her part-taking in the victory, "It was sooo haard. I was to be crying practi-cally!! And I'z like da heaveiest woman in da planet and still it was da hardest thing Id ever carries!"

Mr. Rain Goaway agreed adding that the only thing he has still been unable to do was make the rain go away.

Rally meanwhile, was chirping like a happy bird, singing that the lift was a great pleasurely enjoyment.

A Message From the Reporters

Yesterday (Dec. 15, 2002) we had problems with our publisher and were unable to publish the next issue. So today, we will (try) to give you double the news! Enjoy.. Yum!