Dear Diary, September 5, 20000

Today father and I went down to Earth to shop for shoes. It was a total disaster. As you see, the shoe man wouldn’t accept the gold pieces my father gave him, so they had this big argument. Finally, I got so angry with the shoe man that I grabbed him and punched him. My father got very angry with me so he whipped me long and hard. After my whipping, my back was as red as a purple cherry. A group of orphan children (31 to be exact) thought this was very funny. In fact, they thought it was so funny that they were bawling like big babies. They were crying so loud that a suddenly a big earthquake came and a volcano woke up. And it was so angry with them that it erupted; also meaning it threw up red stuff the earthlings called “lava.” My father got so scared for the children that he inflated himself and sat on top of them. After a while the volcano stopped throwing up. My father got off the children and, but my, their faces were as blue as prunes. Since they couldn’t breathe under my father, they took a great big sip of air now, draining all the air from the shop. Unfortunately, the shoe man missed out on this, and he became bluer and bluer, and bluer, until he became black. Then he just simply died. The kids were orphans and the shoe man took care of them. Now, with him dead, they didn’t have any guardian no more. After learning this, my father decided to adopt them. As we were flying back to Planet Shamgeena, a big baby named Ricardo said his first words, “Mesa, don’t speak no Eeengleesh.” I rolled my eyes and said, “Well, maybe yousa speaka Alieneesh?” He repeated most angrishly, “Mesa don’t speak no Eeengleesh or any other language!” This girl name Ivy said, “You’re cooky.” You could tell from Ricardo’s face that he was most ultimately surprised, “Me cookie, yummy cookie?” And then he ate a big chunk out of his arm.
Most unfortunately, my father had put spells on them so they wouldn’t die when he adopted them. So Ricardo didn’t lose all of his blood. He kept crying and we kept hitting asteroids. Frank, another kid put a knife through his head, and Jacqueline screamed bloody murder when she saw him. And so it went on, and we finally reached, Planet Shamgeena.”